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Here are some interesting things NOT to say in bed with your partner...click here!

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE

IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why... he can't find a good paying job in... AMERICA...

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with

the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

UCLA STUDY

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

I rear ended a car this morning...

I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

In the gents room

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" sex toys

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? sex toy giggles

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

When I was six months pregnant with my third child,

my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a

marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along

really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!"
The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!"
"Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute."
Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks.
"I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."
The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!"
The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little bastards!"

Subject: SUN CITY Prenuptual Agreement

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped

and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking along the riv er, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster when he looked over his shoulder again, and saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped!
The bear froze...
And the forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
"You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the ligh t, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said God.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into

the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just

like at the dinner table'. The man climbs into bed slowly and says:
'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'

I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain

problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... left, and right.
The left part has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it

1- life sucks

2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood

pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate withbright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the

local cemetery.Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has." They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now, there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has." The little boy thought for awhile and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why"? asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money waiting when you get there!"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed

away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Why Men are never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Laughing Guy

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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